Parts of me

During my recovery I learned

That I’m not one-dimensional, but multi-dimensional

There are so many parts within me, not only the ones I created, but the ones that were always there.

What I had to learn was, which part of me was showing up right now?

And for whom was she appearing?

During my recovery I learned

That every part has her own rules, personalities, habits and patterns.

Some parts get along and bring out the best in each other;

Some parts are enemies and do whatever they can to bring each other down.

Some parts love to be in the spotlight.

While others want nothing more than to live life among the shadows.

During my recovery I learned

That for most of my life I felt unwelcome.

How painful and liberating to realize.

Because it led me to discover that I could welcome myself each and every day.

With all my shiny and less shiny parts: I was allowed to exist as I am.

During my recovery I discovered

That I could also welcome my fear.

I even succeeded in becoming her friend.

In this way she learned to trust me.

I was so curious what it was she felt she had to protect me from.

It felt like her presence was standing before a closed door.

I gently asked her to step aside, to show me what what she kept hidden from me all those years.

And miraculously she did.

Behind the door I re-discovered my childhood anger.

And a lifetime of built-up sadness.

As well as the things that used to frighten me so…and still do sometimes.

And lastly, I saw my happiness.

There she was, just sitting there, a child who thought she had been forgotten.

She was so grateful to see me, she could not contain her enthusiasm.

I found myself having to give myself permission to get close and sit next to her.

And forgiving myself for having labelled her a forbidden emotion so long ago.

During my recovery I learned 

That recovery isn’t just one thing.

But something which has hundreds, maybe thousands of layers.

Every time I think I’ve reached the bottom and think, ‘there is nothing left to learn here, I am healed’.

I discover I’ve landed on a layer deeper and think ‘ouch-here we go again’.

During my recovery I discovered

That Recovery has colors, scents, temperatures.

It has speed, sometimes moving as quick as lightning and other times, slower than a snail. Recovery can feel soft or hard; it can sound like a beautiful melody or make hard, scary sounds.

I’ve discovered that ‘recovered’ is not the end destination I was desperate to reach when I was sick, but in fact a journey I will travel the rest of my days.

I am grateful for my recovery because it gives my life meaning,  something I had too little of before my breakdown.

It continues to surprise me how many parts I have within me.

Some parts are friendly and approachable.

Others are supreme bitchiness.

The value of some is easily recognizable.

And other parts, well…I’ve not discovered their true value just yet.

But if there is one thing my experience has taught me it’s that, in time, that discovery will come.

I don’t need to know everything just yet.

The most important thing is that I remain aware.

Whichever part of me is shining in the foreground,

That part of me is welcome.

With all her quirkiness, shiny and shadowy parts, she is welcome.

Maybe not for the rest of the world.

But for me she certainly is and always will be.